We have all heard the saying before "It's not what you say, its how you say it", yet we fail at this every time we face conflict . A simple exchange of words can quickly change your servant heart to a vindictive heart.
In the middle of a fight your love for each other can get clouded real quick, the big picture gets blurred, you aren’t seeing clearly that the enemy is slowly creeping in like a cheetah stalking its prey carefully looking for the right moment to charge in and devour. You don’t notice as you are busy bickering back and forth, one word away from exploding like a fire that starts in the basement without you noticing but the smoke suddenly fills your home. You are only one spark away from destroying everything you built thus far but this fog you came across clouds your vision. It's like trying to find an open window to take a breath of fresh air but as smoke fills the room you keep feeling your way around, keeping low without finding the way out but its only when someone from the outside breaks a door or window that the cloud of smoke quickly disappears. Suddenly, you are free to free breathe again!
That's how it feels in the middle of a fight, you start of by cautiously guarding what you say making sure you don't overstep your boundaries while making your point across but little by little is escalating.
Consider yourself blessed if you have someone that steps in to mediate the situation in hopes to avoid an explosion. In that case you waste time with the "he said she said" that leads to who yells more thinks they win followed by "from now on, watch "how I will get you back", but do they? Sounds more like deception is at play versus love. Love doesn’t keep tabs of the deeds of a servant heart, love is patient and kind, it is not selfish or boastful. 1 Cor 13
Why is it that we struggle to keep at the issue at hand when we disagree and so easily escalates? How can a simple choice of words spill over into the biggest fight in your relationship? Could it be hidden issues over something else never addressed? Things are rooted in your feelings and now you take the one shot you have to let it out? Often in the middle of a fire we can find ourselves having a bucket of water in hand but in that moment choose not to extinguish it but let the fire burn?
How often we have been prepared, we have had the right training but in the moment of truth all that becomes irrelevant because we choose prideful vindictive and egotistical behavior instead of pausing to look at the situation again to realize we had the tools all along?
Covering each other daily in prayer and extending that covering to your home and your children while putting on the rest of your armor is daily work, remember the enemy is out there waiting for the perfect moment to spring into action. Eph 6:10-18
Are you serious about your marriage? Then be encouraged to try this communication exercise to help resolve conflicts. Preparing ahead of time gives you a head start. For this to work it has to be practiced over and over again, become an expert at communicating what bothers you to your spouse so that when you find yourself in a fire you choose to pour water over letting it burn.
Communication Exercise:
One at a time speaks without interruption
spouse one states "When you say ____I feel_____ because_________"
spouse two paraphrase "What I am hearing is ______that you feel __________ when I say _________"
Patiently and lovingly repeat time and time again until your spouse paraphrase correctly and shows the empathy you need to make you feel that they finally understand why you feel the way you feel. Try to stick to one issue at a time clearing the air before moving to the next issue. By doing this you will avoid letting anything be rooted in your feelings that may arise during an unrelated argument.
A Transparent Marriage
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